Somewhere over the rainbow…

I have a love of rainbow, pastel and sparkles, as I think you can guess from my pictures and Instagram. Though I have found the older I get, I really don’t know where I fit in, or should I even worry about fitting in?!

Anxiety has always gnawed at my life since I can remember, and as much as I know, you shouldn’t care about what other people think, even at 35 I do!

If I’m not worrying about what people think or if they like me, I’m worrying about loved ones or myself. Sometimes my brain is just a fairground of anxiety!

This is where the wonderful creatures of cats come in. Did you know that cats can reduce stress? Just 15 to 30 minutes a day with your lil fur baby can calm and help with your mood and wellbeing!

My beautiful baby Lester, sadly died this February (two days before my mum’s anniversary of her passing) and my heart was broken. We still haven’t got a new fur baby, but I know I can’t wait for my new kitty buddy to love and both help each other out.

My baby Lester.

I feel that need to just cuddle up with a cat, and tell them my problems. (I know they can’t answer back) I know the day we finally get our new lil baby I will feel a lot more calmer and happier.

On a side note, shout out to the beautiful human Sugar and Sloth, for her amazing work on fighting the stigma of mental illness with beautiful bins, bags and t-shirts and much more. I love her Narhwal rainbow anxiety pin! It sums me up to a T.

And a final note, always live a rainbow life even in the gloom, remember you are amazing and loved, let’s also remember to take care of each other. It can sometimes be the one who is the life and soul of the party, who is hiding the hurt 💖

Loving me.

The one thing I have learnt since moving into the 30’s category of life is the more things I don’t give a flying hoot about, which always surprises me and makes me laugh.

17342738_10155909903391679_880224879600569223_n

Even in a Snapchat filter I like me.

The major mile stone must be the fact that I don’t hate the way I look in the mirror. Spending probably a good 20 years scrutinising my weight and looks, I finally have come to terms and acceptance of this. Of course, I would like to weigh less and remove those bloody bags under my eyes, but most of all I can look in the mirror and go, “You know what you don’t look half bad?”.

Though it does offer up the question, are we allowed to like ourselves, even love without coming across arrogant and smug? It isn’t a particularly British characteristic, but why shouldn’t we feel happy to stand up and say that we feel beautiful the way we are and happy with our lives.

I was discussing with a friend of mine how my mindset changed through my late 20’s to now (which you can see from older posts.). Before hitting 30 I gave it my all to get as much weight off as possible, hiring personal trainers and doing strict diets. It was all about getting as low as possible. I wanted to be in that mid heathy BMI and I knew the time was ticking. The 9 and half stone target never got reached, but I lost nearly 2 stone and felt miles better about myself. I look back on the pictures in Las Vegas for my 30th and I don’t look half bad.

This of course as discussed with my friend happened due to slow changes. I found dieting harder, but I was enjoying life more. I started to like the gym for the exercise instead of a gruelling regime to lose copious amounts of weight before a set date. I now go to the gym, do my work out which I like and just have fun with it. Also, as much as I know I need to lose weight for health and longevity, I just really like my curves. I have given up on beating myself up on trying to get into Topshop’s tiny 16 and just enjoy shopping elsewhere. There are so much more fun and interesting options to find and explore, the internet has opened a wide world of options to all shapes and sizes. Asos caters for everyone and so does Missguided too. Why not try a spot of vintage? It can be hard to find in larger sizes, and sometimes what looks a bit scary on a hanger can look amazing with the right accessories. The Stylist and the Collector can show you just that.

The truth is, I have found my groove let’s say. The way I have done this has been gradual and there are a few steps I have found.

  • Getting a good haircut and colour – ban the boxes and just dig deep and pay the extra for a good cut and colour. The older we get the more care we need to take not just to our face and body, but our hair too (covering those pesky greys). I have now had the same style for over 3 years, it is now a signature look for me. People now expect me to rock my short fringe which I love, especially with a pair of funky sunglasses.
  • Also, use a good shampoo and conditioner. If you are paying all this money for a good quality cut and colour, treat it right! Get rid of the high street and pay a bit more for deluxe shampoo and conditioners. Tigi Bedhead can be found in TK Maxx and and Justmylook does a brilliant price on the tween packs with free delivery!
  • Don’t give a hoot about what you want to wear. Half the time I feel like I am dressing like a five-year-old, and I really don’t care. I have to stop myself sometimes buying something, just because it’s “cool” and it’s not me. I am a 33-year-old woman I don’t have to be reformed into some category which I should be in. I am old enough to not care and wear what the hell I want! Yes, that does mean a pastel leather mini skirt and a Pusheen t shirt.

pusheen - Copy

Always rock Pusheen!

  • Go to the gym, Boogy bounce, spin or hot as hell bikram yoga, but do it because you like it, not because you feel you must.
  • Most of all enjoy who you are and what you have to offer. Go out there and be fabulous because I am finding the 30s life just that.

I don’t know about you… but I’m feeling 33

Last week was the celebration of my 33rd year on this planet we call Earth, and what may you ask have I accomplished over those years?

20160915_213222

Feeling not so like Taylor Swift at 33.

Well apart from mentally being scared at school and living in a constant daydream, I have done many things I am extremely proud of and maybe not so.

Life as always is a constant rollercoaster of highs, lows and straight lines. Though the past year I have made significant changes to my ride, with going back to school to retake my GCSE English. That alone meant opening and facing some serious demons and reminders I would like to forget. Though I made it through with an astounding A grade. (I still can’t quite get to grips with that!) I of course have always wanted to write and, I know people will scrutinise this and be like “How did she get an A in English, her writing is appalling.”  Well #HatersGonnaHate at the end of the day and I am at the latter part of the Millennial clan, hashtags all the way.

Talking about Millennials one of our main characters we all looked up to was Bridget Jones. I could really relate to the character when I was a 16-year-old chubby teenager who really didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere. (Unlike now, you guys have so many positive role models.) Bridget gave me light and hope. I can still remember crying in the cinema when Daniel Cleaver’s skinny American girlfriend said these haunting lines “I thought you said she was thin.”. I wanted to punch through the screen, though the difference was Bridget still weighed less than me. I really thought that was how my life would turn out to be. Though of course it was far from the truth.

At 33 years old, I may weigh around 12 st 4 pounds and only be 5ft 4 inches, I can confirm I do not smoke and I am not a spinster. I am married to the most amazing man in the whole world. Though like Bridget my weight plays on my mind, and that is one thing we both have in common. The scales are my enemy and food my false friend.

So as my 33rd year begins I have taken on the challenge like every year, I will lose those pesky pounds, but the truth is, as much as I get disheartened that I can’t fit into a size 16 Topshop, I bloody love my curves. Yes, I would want them to be tighter, but you know what… my idol is Ashley Graham. She is a size 20 and is breathtakingly stunning. She has cellulite and has a belly, but oh my she carries it off with style. So I am not going for the size 8, I just want to get out of that overweight category and embrace myself, because I’m #Fabulous (Yes another hashtag #SorryNotSorry)

So here it is, I am going to give this my best shot. I can confirm to you…

  • I will be hangry
  • Hate the gym
  • Try to deal with my stupid underactive thyroid making my metabolism slower than a sloth crossing the road in Costa Rica.
  • Start another personal training session. (You can’t break me!)
  • Try some crazy diets, and keep you all informed of my hate for them.
  • Try to not bombard you with terrible before and after pictures, maybe of me attacking a Nando’s wing roulette challenge.
  • But most of all, I will be a normal woman in her 30s, I don’t have a sponsor wanting me to make some bloody DVD, so I will show you like it is… HELL.

 

So I look forward to keeping you entertained over the next few months of my struggle. Just remember guys we are all in this together.

The new you

Welcome to 2015, and welcome to the new and improved Tewsday.com!

I wonder how many of you out there are going through the whole New Year’s Resolutions right now? I bet what some of you have right at the top of the list, is losing weight or changing something to become the new you.

Well I have spent many of a year with this said resolution, mainly losing weight and trying to figure out my bloody life and where I should be.

Let’s tackle weight first – Suffering with Underactive Thyroid since I was 19 has always been a major struggle for me with weight loss. When I first got diagnosed and went on the medication, I noticed the weight fall off, but over the years it has become more and more increasingly harder to keep it off. Over the last two years I have changed jobs and noticed a massive change in my weight/fitness. Sitting in an office environment, where my main exercise was making the team a cup of tea, really made the pounds go on, even with going to the gym! So leaving the office and getting back into retail was a major shake up for my body and the weight started to fall off. I was walking to work, still at the gym and working my butt off before I hit the big 3.0. I have noticed so much changes in my body and fitness. I wouldn’t say I am amazingly fit or slim, but my curves are tighter and my fitness has improved. Best of all I can just about get back into Topshop clothes after 6 years!

You may wonder how I did it? Simply changing what I ate and being positive, instead of worrying too much about the scales or how my clothes fit (between you and me, I still worry what the scales say). I did save up and get a few personal training sessions before my 30th birthday which really pushed me in the right direction. Also I feel with the exercises I was doing, they helped me avoid piling on massive amounts of weight. This was needed as I went to America for my birthday!

I did find it very hard over 2014 to keep going, and found some new hope and inspiration through Kelly French, a personal trainer I have started using (thanks to a bit of work bonus, I treated myself to more PT). Kelly is an amazing woman and one of the fittest people I know. She is a true inspiration on how strong woman can be, and she is all about loving yourself and your figure. Just getting healthy and fit is her motto. I started off with my sessions wanting a body like JLo and realising recently that this may never happen. This is because a) I have an underactive thyroid which is slower than a tortoise and b) I don’t have that type of cash to have a personal trainer/chef 24-7 and c) someone to slap my hand whenever I go near something bad to eat.

So, with this in mind I have come to the conclusion of just getting fit, toning up and just loving my body a bit more. We are so lucky that there is some amazing role models out there, who just like us have curves, but are losing weight and toning up in a safe and fun way. I love Fuller Figure, she is so beautiful and works hard to get in shape but still doesn’t lose what she is, a beautiful curvaceous woman. I follow her on Facebook and i’m not afraid to say I do have a bit of a girl crush on her.

So I am kicking 2015 off with getting my arse back in the gym. Trying my hardest to get fit and not eat too badly, but also not to be too hard on myself. You know what, we are only human at the end of the day, and we all need to be a lot more easier on ourselves. So I will keep you posted on this one.

Secondly, my life – It’s not so much changing my whole life, but just living up to my potential. Too many talents and years have gone by the wayside and I believe 2015 is the time to start living. Life as we all know too well is too precious and fragile to just sit around. After many years of moping about not living to my full potential, I am finally kicking my butt in gear! I am not beating myself up on my failed attempts at going back to college in 2014. It wasn’t my fault the Access to Higher Education in Creative Writing course got cancelled. The second course available also started with a two weeks notice period, so I couldn’t change my shifts at work. At least I tried to get on these courses. I also started writing both my novels, and plan to finish these in 2015.

Not many people know that I trained as a classical singer in my teens. This is another love of mine I want to embrace this year. I always had terrible stage fright with singing and have never done anything with it. I am now 31 and really should not care so much and embrace my talent and tune the ol’ instrument up again.

We all have things we want to accomplish, why not really try this year and see how far you get. Write a letter to yourself for 2016, stating what you want to achieve and how proud you are and love yourself. You are special and shouldn’t hide any longer.

Embrace life.